Pour attention into the cup of attraction
my exterior must be the distraction
often I ponder “am I painted in unapproachable blues?”
or are the waves of my brain actively hyper?
 
even in the intangible, tangled environment of the inter-webs I feel the same. 

As of recent analyzations it’s become apparent to me that my only fountain of inspiration has been envy and jealousy. A need for recognition that I too can do ‘it’, that I am also capable of doing just ‘that’. 

But why? Why is it that I must observe you in a state of creation before I desire to do it?
What bothers me even further is the distance, or lack thereof, between inspiration & myself. Often times this stimulant is about an inch away from a friendly handshake and a week away from becoming my lover.

How horrible is it that my immediate surroundings, be it family, friends, lovers, enemies and their accomplishments, act as the catalyst in my endeavors? That this feeling is not nurtured by self, but as a byproduct of observing another?

I feel as though I am the shadow of my surroundings.
I am nothing created out of my own brain.
From a sea of nothing to a world of gas.

But don’t confuse this as a distaste for myself or the life I have lead for I have realized what I have been doing subconsciously. I no longer hate myself. I no longer feel eternally depressed. No, I feel disgusted that I need another to push myself in other ways. I feel as a normie. When I look out I can no longer distinguish myself from the grey. It is almost as though I just blend. Before this, when I entered nihilism, I felt as though I was headed to another world. And on my way there I must have taken a wrong turn because as time grew, I did not notice this, however, I noticed that I was blending. My arm began to smear into the sky. My face became the sun. My limbs became the trees. My feet grew roots and I became the sea. 

I began to bleed into the world. And it’s then that I noticed that I fell to the top.
Upon my arrival I started to put the world in a box. I needed to domesticate, but not by choice. It is because I was told this was knowledge.  And now I find myself no where. With nothing behind me, and no one beside me. I worry about this computer. I worry about my clothing. I worry about an image. I worry about worrying. I am becoming my khakis. I am listening to ads and billboards. I am listening to talking papers. I’m fucking repulsed.

I’m utterly repulsed. I’m sickened. My stomach turns thinking of the ideals I once held. Fuck me. Fuck the things you put in my head. Fuck this computer. Fuck the normals. Fuck the world. Fuck the image. Fuck blending. Fuck the top. Fuck the surface. To hell with social acceptance. Fuck your recognition and my need for it. Fuck this image you emulate. Fuck you. Fuck me for being so angry about it.  

If you have made it to the bottom of this entry I commemorate you. 
Simply because this was not for you, but for me.
To
V
E
N
T.
To release this pent up anger and frustration because it was beginning to leak into my family setting. It’s poison. I’m poisoned. I’m the remedy.

Adieux.  

Man, I don’t even know where to begin.
& since I don’t know where to begin I can also tell you that I don’t even know where to end. & with that being said I’ll keep it short & simple.

• I kissed someone that I’ve had the gnarliest crush on ever since the the spring of my freshmen semester at CSUF and she’s equally as happy about it.
• Coachella is approaching rapidly and half of my ticket is paid off. 
• I’ve been working a ridiculous amount of hours at work ever since my Fall semester ended…what does that mean? I’ll be buying some music equipment, FINALLY to start my next project.
• Spring 2012 at CSUF begins January 23rd…it will also be my last & final one of my undergrad career…IT’S ABOUT TIME yet…a sudden sadness has become of me. 
• If only you could see the smile on my face and the glow of my spirit I’m sure you’d feel my high.

In elementary
middle&
high school;

I was subject to the pranks&verbal abuse of cruel, tasteless, ignorant bullies.

Several years later, although much more at peace & confident with whom I’ve become, I cannot deny the fact that there still lies an undying desire to return the favor on a bed of beautiful red roses. 

As much as I allow the idea of ‘peace’ to prance around in my head in a rainbow tutu, I know while people still choose to forgo a higher education or limit their chances of mind expansion any sense of ‘peace’ will continue to be unattainable.

I never understood why weight was such an issue nor did I know the effect it would have over a person’s confidence and their self-image. I knew very little about sexual orientation or why that even mattered to everyone…& above that why a person who is lesbian, gay or bi-sexual would be condemned or belittled if they didn’t fit into the same boots as all their hetero counterparts. I couldn’t understand why a certain race was viewed as superior, while the minorities, who actually happened to be in majorities, were viewed as inferior. I often found myself wearing shame as if it were a uniform, although I had very little choice over what my racial make-up was. & Why I allowed myself to wear that as opposed to pride is also unknown. 

As each day grows and the sun lays it’s head on it’s pillow I grow more and more familiar to myself taking note of all things which nurture and foster personal and spiritual growth so that I may perpetuate the existence of these stimuli. 


My only true foe is ignorance. My only true motivator is personal growth.  

“you met me at a very strange time in my life”

-Narrator 

Isn’t it odd how we carelessly float through our days unaware of every persons value? How we just live our lives assuming that everything and everyone will be in it’s place place when we wake up in the morning, just the same as they were before we went to bed, drunk off a couple beers, a  handful of pills, and a couple lines?  

equipped with haste the past calls a war upon my crown 
unknown to myself, I stumble, I stumble and fall to the ground
dance with the devil, dance with myself, dance with love
I know no one else. I want no one else. I know no one else. 

I Want a pet bat. Name that homie Nebula & I’ll fly him around like a kite to suck on the necks of all my haters-infecting them with death.

An infinite supply of medium pulp orange juice/vanilla soy milk & cap’n crunch.
(WITHOUT THE FUCKING BERRIES!!!!!)

All the fucking books I never wanted to read as a kid. It’s time the child caught up to the adult they’ve created.

A twin brother-with 2 first names who also doubles as my best friend. Insurance against all the posers wearing all 6 of their faces.

ALL BLACK EVERYTHANG. All my walls painted black. My sheets black. My blinds, black. Tile black. Carpet, black. My water black. My cum black. My eyes black. Paint it all black. I can sleep easier during a manufactured ‘night’ time.

I WANT TO CHANNEL Ian Curtis’ soul using the Ouija Board so we can shoot the shit & talk about the best way to kill ourselves affecting as many people in whatever way possible, both negatively & positively. 

My Mom to be happy all day, everyday. My Dad to stop with his petty shit against my Mom. Seeing their fucking faces wearing smiles is ideal. Personal form of evidence to prove that love does exist.

I want everyday to feel like a Friday. It’s the day i’m least likely to cry.

To have a plate of food for thought every morning. Taking jogs on the trails of my mind. I’ll also have 2 servings of big dreams & a dose of reality.

A little bit of ‘love’ from a special, significant other. & after we’ll lay in my bed naked talking about Invader Zim, discussing which joy division album was best, why Brand New should never stop creating music, & why Notorious B.I.G.’s Suicidal Thoughts was such a fucking great track.

A gang of about 3 or 4 musically inclined, equally creative, ‘ride or die’ fools into natural expression of the soul without censorship to create the next band that will change people’s lives. Yeah, it’s gonna go down.

I WILL STAND ABOVE YOU.
Laughing.
You’ll be my shadow, imitating all movement in hopes of becoming as massive as I.